Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
