Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
