I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
