Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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