I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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