Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
