Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
how drunk are you?
Several
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
