You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
