at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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