Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
