checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
