maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
