Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
