My hand turned me down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
