No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
