genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
