I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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