she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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