my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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