i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
