I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize