WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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