What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
