i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
