I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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