I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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