dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My day in three words: secret purse cake
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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