apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
