you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
