what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
