I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
