So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
