Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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