I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So squirting runs in the family.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
