Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
