my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
