normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm like, not good at living.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
