She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
