i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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