I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
