i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
