I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
