he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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