i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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