my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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