May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
