When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize