Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
