3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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