Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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