apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
