My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was born a porn star she said
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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