So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
