I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
