"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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