things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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