My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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