true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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