My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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