I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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