We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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