6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize