Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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