I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize